It Has Been a Long Time

It has been almost three years since I posted on this blog. Part of that is my fault, but part of it was blogspot's fault. There was some recurring error with my login and password, and the email address I'd originally used to start this blog, and I wasn't able to edit the blog for quite a long time.

It could also have had something to do with the fact that I was travelling for a part of the time, in Africa, and the internet is not as good there, the machines are buggier, and there could have been firewall problems, etc.

Long story short, I am back, and I am still a television addict. This was recently proven to me by Netflix Instant Play feature. I am a Mac user, and escaped the first inception of this product when it first debuted, back in 2008 or so. The licensing hadn't yet been sorted out for Mac users, and so I couldn't watch movies from Netflix instantly, over the internet.

I was frustrated at the time, but relieved as well. I would be spared the temptation. Which was good, as I was quite unhappy at that time in my life, and would have abused it. As I am abusing it now.

I returned from Africa, where I had no television and no instant Netflix, last year. I did watch some tv programs on my computer, but they had to be painstakingly downloaded over several visits to the internet cafe, which was in the next town, a 45-minute taxi ride away. It was no picnic, and I felt I had earned the right to indulge in those programs a little.

But here, back in the States, I have access to everything at the touch of a button again. I recently reinstated my Netflix account. They worked out their issues with Mac, and I was able to Watch Instantly for the first time a few months ago.

I told myself I would be careful with it, and that I wouldn't watch it too much, but things have gone swiftly downhill, and I have slipped into my old ways. You see, I was laid off over a month ago, and have yet to find another job. In addition, I have been having difficulties with my love life. I have returned to a city where I once lived, and things just aren't quite the same. Many friends have moved on. I am questioning my career path. I have very little money. I must constantly fight the feeling that I am a failure in many ways. I am very unhappy and discontent.

This past month, I have been spending a lot of time at home, in the room I rent. I have been sitting and staring. I have been watching entire television series, sometimes in just a few days. Episode after episode after episode. I have not been doing things I need to do in order to make my life better. Simple things, easy things.

I have been feeling absolutely awful about myself. I have been feeling like I am worthless, and hopeless, and have nothing of value to offer the world. I have been feeling like a pathetic lump.

Tonight, I cancelled my Netflix account. I am an addict, and I cannot risk the temptation. I am not strong enough. I must recognize my limitations. There is no such thing as moderation, not until I have more things to fill my life with, until there is no room for tv.

If you have read this, and it has helped you in any way, please post a comment, even if it is blank and anonymous. I'd like to know if someone's reading.